Oh, the horror!

Yesterday, after my morning walk and a long nap, I figured it was time to brave the waves once again. This time, I would go at it alone, and I was sure I’d be fine... after all, I had handled myself with some measure of grace the last time. I lugged the huge surfboard to the beach and wasted no time paddling out to where the other surfers were stationed. On the way out, however, some unruly waves started giving me a serious thrashing. Ok, gulp, no worries, gulp. Ugh, that was a lot of saltwater. Cough. Gag. Then I saw it. A huge wave that was clearly going to break right on top of me. Now, an experienced surfer might have rolled under the board or dove under the wave. I on the other hand, grit my teeth and brilliantly tried to block the wave with my board. Take that, evil wave!! Well, down I went, the wave from hell tossing me this way and that. I came up for air only to be pummeled by yet another monster. Finally, I was able to get my bearings and assess the situation. Surf board? Check. Limbs intact? Check. Bikini top? Check. Bottom? Ugh… oh god. Oh GOD.

The wave had torn my bikini bottom clear off my body. I fished around on the floor of the ocean in some vain hope that I’d find something other than seaweed. It was not looking good. Wave after wave kept coming at me and there I was, the fear of drowning supplanted only by the mortification of coming back to shore with NOTHING ON. (There’s a show here called Bondi Rescue and I saw flashes of myself being pulled to shore sans bottom, on national television). After what seemed like an eternity, my panicked hand brushed against some fabric. It seemed to be near my ankle and I pulled it out of the water. At that moment, the heavens shone down upon me and I heard angels singing. There they were, in all their zebra-printed splendor. They had gotten snagged by the cord that attached my ankle to the board. It took me another 5 god-awful minutes to get them back on, as they were totally caught up in the cord and I wasn’t exactly standing on steady ground.

Well, I was only out in the waves for about 8 minutes, but I think that was 7 minutes too long. I dragged myself back in to shore and practically fell to my knees in gratitude for being spared the ultimate in humiliation. I did however, keep laughing at how awful/hilarious it would have been had the bottoms been lost at sea for good. Oh, yes. When in Australia, do as the Aussies do and wear some freakin board shorts.